Jr
2005-06-29 15:56:20 UTC
My new wife (age 27) of three weeks... yippee!!! .... and I (age 36) am
struggling through an old issue that I thought might be partially
resolved through our committing our lives to each other. She has
admitted that she has always dealt with low self-esteem causing her to
often think that she is not attractive and makes her feel like she has
to compare herself to other women (either out in public or on TV) and
change herself in order for me to think she is more desirable. To me,
she is beautiful, sexy, smart, responsible, trustworthy and perfect. I
don't want her to change a thing. She refuses to believe me when I
say that.
The following might seem sort-of minor but after similar instances of
the same issue, it becomes something that makes me concerned.
An example of the most recent "issue" was yesterday while we were
watching our wedding video. I was just ecstatic... Happier than
ever... ear to ear smile! She seemed to be enjoying it as well (other
than repeatedly criticizing her uncle who is an amateur video guy,
until I asked her to stop). The problem occurred when I neglected to
tell her how beautiful she looked on the video (Of course, I repeatedly
filled her with compliments throughout the wedding day - Which she
says she may or may not remember). Argh! So when she prompted me with
"Didn't I look beautiful?" I snapped out of it and told her how
beautiful I thought she looked and that she was the most
"beautifulest" bride ever. She responded with a frown and
proceeded to tell me why she wanted me to tell her without her
prompting me. It was because at some point, years ago, I had told her
that I thought my previous wife looked beautiful in the wedding
pictures. Once again, she needs the validation that she is better than
the ex or any other women on the planet apparently. Understanding that
she might be having some insecure thoughts, I moved over to sit next to
her, put my arms around her and gave her some smooches while I told her
that she really was the most beautiful and glowing bride I had ever
seen. I saw things on the video that I didn't realize was going
on... cameras going off, babies crying, people chatting, etc. Why?
Because I could not take my eyes off of her! As you might imagine, I
was unanimously rejected because by then, it wasn't good enough. So
it escalated to a two hour talk (I get accused often of blowing it out
of proportion) and we are still exactly where we started. She says
things like, "I don't know how you expect to make it 30 years if
you act like this over something stupid". I suggested we talk about
this with a counselor so I can better understand why she thinks like
she does and hopefully be able to change my behavior to help her "get
there". She says something like, I'm not going to a counselor,
I've been there, they don't do anything for me... And... what they
did say was that the partner of someone who is "sensitive" or has
low self esteem needs to be more caring, complimentary and sensitive.
Having heard this before, I know that I already practice the more
caring approach hoping that it'll help her/us eventually get through
this. She tells me that it's not enough. So it sounds to me that
she has put the burden on my shoulders to bow to this issue and give
in. I refuse to give in to this! I feel I am giving her the
compliments she craves but when she explains to me that I am just
saying that because she wants to hear it, I get very frustrated (but
only after over explaining how much I mean it). I can't win here and
it's driving me nuts!
Another frustrating item to note is her occasionally in the past
telling me that I don't appreciate her beauty or sexiness noting that
all her friends think she is more sexy than I do and that any guy would
die to have a girl with her assets that likes sex so much. I have
asked her to never, ever bring that up again and, to date, she has not
and even admitted that it was a mean thing to say and that she has said
it on purpose to push my buttons. Says it is something her and her ex
used to do.
Anyway, we spent lots of time over the last few years trying to get
over this disturbing (to me) trend of looking to the past and thinking
she is not good enough and/or requesting my validation (or having
expectations that I will validate her) that she is better than my ex.
For the most part, I am a 'look to today and tomorrow' guy. You
cannot change the past but you can do your best to control what happens
in the future.
My problem is that when she ambushes me with these unfulfilled
expectations, I feel like I've let her down and proceed to get mad at
myself first then mad at her for making me feel like it was something I
did even though I know it is something that I cannot predict nor
control.
What stinks is that the only times we "fight", it's almost always
somehow related to this esteem issue. My thinking is logically, if we
beat this, we'll have it made.
The question(s): How can I better deal situations like this so we can
build off of it instead of causing problems for both of us? Is there
something I need to do differently? Is this something she needs to
address individually? Or is this something we could work on together?
The bottom line is that I don't want to point fingers and I don't
want to "fix" anyone (unless it's me). I just seek
understanding.
Please help! I know we can get past this!
Thank you!
struggling through an old issue that I thought might be partially
resolved through our committing our lives to each other. She has
admitted that she has always dealt with low self-esteem causing her to
often think that she is not attractive and makes her feel like she has
to compare herself to other women (either out in public or on TV) and
change herself in order for me to think she is more desirable. To me,
she is beautiful, sexy, smart, responsible, trustworthy and perfect. I
don't want her to change a thing. She refuses to believe me when I
say that.
The following might seem sort-of minor but after similar instances of
the same issue, it becomes something that makes me concerned.
An example of the most recent "issue" was yesterday while we were
watching our wedding video. I was just ecstatic... Happier than
ever... ear to ear smile! She seemed to be enjoying it as well (other
than repeatedly criticizing her uncle who is an amateur video guy,
until I asked her to stop). The problem occurred when I neglected to
tell her how beautiful she looked on the video (Of course, I repeatedly
filled her with compliments throughout the wedding day - Which she
says she may or may not remember). Argh! So when she prompted me with
"Didn't I look beautiful?" I snapped out of it and told her how
beautiful I thought she looked and that she was the most
"beautifulest" bride ever. She responded with a frown and
proceeded to tell me why she wanted me to tell her without her
prompting me. It was because at some point, years ago, I had told her
that I thought my previous wife looked beautiful in the wedding
pictures. Once again, she needs the validation that she is better than
the ex or any other women on the planet apparently. Understanding that
she might be having some insecure thoughts, I moved over to sit next to
her, put my arms around her and gave her some smooches while I told her
that she really was the most beautiful and glowing bride I had ever
seen. I saw things on the video that I didn't realize was going
on... cameras going off, babies crying, people chatting, etc. Why?
Because I could not take my eyes off of her! As you might imagine, I
was unanimously rejected because by then, it wasn't good enough. So
it escalated to a two hour talk (I get accused often of blowing it out
of proportion) and we are still exactly where we started. She says
things like, "I don't know how you expect to make it 30 years if
you act like this over something stupid". I suggested we talk about
this with a counselor so I can better understand why she thinks like
she does and hopefully be able to change my behavior to help her "get
there". She says something like, I'm not going to a counselor,
I've been there, they don't do anything for me... And... what they
did say was that the partner of someone who is "sensitive" or has
low self esteem needs to be more caring, complimentary and sensitive.
Having heard this before, I know that I already practice the more
caring approach hoping that it'll help her/us eventually get through
this. She tells me that it's not enough. So it sounds to me that
she has put the burden on my shoulders to bow to this issue and give
in. I refuse to give in to this! I feel I am giving her the
compliments she craves but when she explains to me that I am just
saying that because she wants to hear it, I get very frustrated (but
only after over explaining how much I mean it). I can't win here and
it's driving me nuts!
Another frustrating item to note is her occasionally in the past
telling me that I don't appreciate her beauty or sexiness noting that
all her friends think she is more sexy than I do and that any guy would
die to have a girl with her assets that likes sex so much. I have
asked her to never, ever bring that up again and, to date, she has not
and even admitted that it was a mean thing to say and that she has said
it on purpose to push my buttons. Says it is something her and her ex
used to do.
Anyway, we spent lots of time over the last few years trying to get
over this disturbing (to me) trend of looking to the past and thinking
she is not good enough and/or requesting my validation (or having
expectations that I will validate her) that she is better than my ex.
For the most part, I am a 'look to today and tomorrow' guy. You
cannot change the past but you can do your best to control what happens
in the future.
My problem is that when she ambushes me with these unfulfilled
expectations, I feel like I've let her down and proceed to get mad at
myself first then mad at her for making me feel like it was something I
did even though I know it is something that I cannot predict nor
control.
What stinks is that the only times we "fight", it's almost always
somehow related to this esteem issue. My thinking is logically, if we
beat this, we'll have it made.
The question(s): How can I better deal situations like this so we can
build off of it instead of causing problems for both of us? Is there
something I need to do differently? Is this something she needs to
address individually? Or is this something we could work on together?
The bottom line is that I don't want to point fingers and I don't
want to "fix" anyone (unless it's me). I just seek
understanding.
Please help! I know we can get past this!
Thank you!